Most of you might not know, but today is the day I turn 18. Personally, I still can’t believe it. 18 is such a scary number. It’s such a big and important number, that signifies that I’m an adult now. How can I be an adult when I still feel like I’m 16?? I’m not ready yet. I feel like time is going faster and faster as I grow older.
Here’s the thing: I always hate birthdays. Not all birthday, it’s more like my birthday. I hate the idea of growing up, taking responsibilities, being on my own, trying to find my way and leave my mark in this big world. Sure, I’ll always have my family. But as we grow older, so is our parents and brother/sister. I hate to think that while we meet everday now, one day I’ll lose my parents and become distant with my sister. Like phone call and meetings every few months distant. Why would anyone want to celebrate that?
There’s this part of me that can’t wait to make my own path. Make a living on my own. Finally able to fulfill my dream of travelling. Meeting new people, trying new things (that my parents won’t allowed) and just come out of my shell. But the prospect of growing up, the future and one day losing everything I have now is too teriffying. I get that nothing stays the same. I just feel like I’m not ready to face those changes so soon. What if I messed up and fail in life?
Next month will be my first time living on my own. The university start at the end of August, and I’ll move out since it would consume too much time and energy by going back and forth between home and uni. And believe me when I say the traffic in Jakarta is one of the worst. So for the past month we’ve been doing a lot of clean up and I found so many of my childhood stuff like dolls and books about random facts that I used to love (yes, those books were my childhood. I LOVED them.), and it brought so many memories. I don’t need them anymore, so I tried to give them away. But I can’t. I tried. I really do. It’s just, those stuffs hold so much memories, happy things and the warmth and familiarity of my home. I can’t imagine letting them go. I know it would make other children happy, or help shaping future scientist. It would be more useful elsewhere. But I just can’t let them go.
Now that I think about it, I’ve been having problem with letting go for as long as I could remember. I hate it when my parents replaced the old furnitures with the new ones. That bed is where I slept for 5 years! The sentiment and feelings I have for those things are hard to forget. If you ever watch the tv show Hoarders, I’m pretty sure I’d end up like that.
I think my problem of letting go is my main reason why I hate birthdays. My birthday means I’m growing up. And growing up means things are going to change. I have to let go of the comfort of home, friends that have been with me for so long, the familiar routine of school (which I hate) and accept the fact that it’s time to move on with my life.
I’m trying to be okay with it. The future is scary because we don’t know what it has in store for us, so for now, I’m just trying to be present, enjoy the moment, and go with the flow. I’ll try to enjoy university, living alone, and make a lot of new friends. I know this post seems immature and spoiled, but it’s what I feel and I know so many people feel the same way (even though there are also people that’s excited for it. You people, how do you do it??). I just hope everything would work out in the end, and I can be happy with everything I have❤