On Growing Up and Letting Go

 

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Most of you might not know, but today is the day I turn 18. Personally, I still can’t believe it. 18 is such a scary number. It’s such a big and important number, that signifies that I’m an adult now. How can I be an adult when I still feel like I’m 16?? I’m not ready yet. I feel like time is going faster and faster as I grow older.

Here’s the thing: I always hate birthdays. Not all birthday, it’s more like my birthday. I hate the idea of growing up, taking responsibilities, being on my own, trying to find my way and leave my mark in this big world. Sure, I’ll always have my family. But as we grow older, so is our parents and brother/sister. I hate to think that while we meet everday now, one day I’ll lose my parents and become distant with my sister. Like phone call and meetings every few months distant. Why would anyone want to celebrate that?

There’s this part of me that can’t wait to make my own path. Make a living on my own. Finally able to fulfill my dream of travelling. Meeting new people, trying new things (that my parents won’t allowed) and just come out of my shell. But the prospect of growing up, the future and one day losing everything I have now is too teriffying. I get that nothing stays the same. I just feel like I’m not ready to face those changes so soon. What if I messed up and fail in life?

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Next month will be my first time living on my own. The university start at the end of August, and I’ll move out since it would consume too much time and energy by going back and forth between home and uni. And believe me when I say the traffic in Jakarta is one of the worst. So for the past month we’ve been doing a lot of clean up and I found so many of my childhood stuff like dolls and books about random facts that I used to love (yes, those books were my childhood. I LOVED them.), and it brought so many memories. I don’t need them anymore, so I tried to give them away. But I can’t. I tried. I really do. It’s just, those stuffs hold so much memories, happy things and the warmth and familiarity of my home. I can’t imagine letting them go. I know it would make other children happy, or help shaping future scientist. It would be more useful elsewhere. But I just can’t let them go.

Now that I think about it, I’ve been having problem with letting go for as long as I could remember. I hate it when my parents replaced the old furnitures with the new ones. That bed is where I slept for 5 years! The sentiment and feelings I have for those things are hard to forget. If you ever watch the tv show Hoarders, I’m pretty sure I’d end up like that.

I think my problem of letting go is my main reason why I hate birthdays. My birthday means I’m growing up. And growing up means things are going to change. I have to let go of the comfort of home, friends that have been with me for so long, the familiar routine of school (which I hate) and accept the fact that it’s time to move on with my life.

I’m trying to be okay with it. The future is scary because we don’t know what it has in store for us, so for now, I’m just trying to be present, enjoy the moment, and go with the flow. I’ll try to enjoy university, living alone, and make a lot of new friends. I know this post seems immature and spoiled, but it’s what I feel and I know so many people feel the same way (even though there are also people that’s excited for it. You people, how do you do it??). I just hope everything would work out in the end, and I can be happy with everything I have❤

tasya

15 thoughts on “On Growing Up and Letting Go

  1. Happy birthday! And hopefully the future goes well for you. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to leave home and grow up, but now in my mid-twenties, I'm having a lot of the feelings you have! The point of that is, you have a lot of time to decide what to do with your life. I think sometimes people are pressured at 18 to make life changing decisions, but the reality is that things change. You can still be switching careers and goals well into your twenties, and sometimes into your thirties. So even if it feels urgent now, there's more time than you think~!

    Liselle @ Lunch-Time Librarian

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  2. I'm so glad to hear your story! I always thought people in their 20s have their life all sorted out, which is why I'm really panicked that I have to figure mine out soon! Thank you so much!<3

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  3. This is such a sincere and raw post; thank you for writing this post, Tasya. It really moved me. I really, really relate. Also, your post is far from immature! -Your honesty and self-awareness shows a lot of maturity, and I admire that.

    I'm a little older than you, and even now, I'm still scared of 'growing up'. I'm VERY close to my family, but I know that one day I'll have to move out and start my own life. As you say, the prospect is exciting but the implications scare me.

    One of my biggest fears in university was ending up in a desk job doing something I hated it – and now? I'm in a desk job doing something I don't particularly enjoy. Years ago, I thought being that would have been the end of the world. And for months after I started my job, I believed it. But, I learned that life is fluid and always changing, and that we have to take steps, even if it's scary. So I decided to do postgraduate/grad school next year. That's scary too – I could do all these years of study and still come out doing a desk job. But, I think I have to take the risks.

    GAH, sorry, I rambled there. But, all I want to say is, I understand what you are going through. And I am sending you lots of love and strength and support for the new chapter of your life. It'll be scary, but it'll be exciting too! All the best, Tasya – and keep us updated. ❤

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  4. Thank you so much CW! I'm really scared when I published this post because most people I know seems to can't wait to grow up, and here I am trying to stop time. Leaving things behind are scary! I just wish we could stop time and stay in that moment forever. Thank you so much for your “rambling”, it really gives me more relief and acceptance with handling my future!<3

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