On Growing Up and Letting Go

 

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Most of you might not know, but today is the day I turn 18. Personally, I still can’t believe it. 18 is such a scary number. It’s such a big and important number, that signifies that I’m an adult now. How can I be an adult when I still feel like I’m 16?? I’m not ready yet. I feel like time is going faster and faster as I grow older.

Here’s the thing: I always hate birthdays. Not all birthday, it’s more like my birthday. I hate the idea of growing up, taking responsibilities, being on my own, trying to find my way and leave my mark in this big world. Sure, I’ll always have my family. But as we grow older, so is our parents and brother/sister. I hate to think that while we meet everday now, one day I’ll lose my parents and become distant with my sister. Like phone call and meetings every few months distant. Why would anyone want to celebrate that?

There’s this part of me that can’t wait to make my own path. Make a living on my own. Finally able to fulfill my dream of travelling. Meeting new people, trying new things (that my parents won’t allowed) and just come out of my shell. But the prospect of growing up, the future and one day losing everything I have now is too teriffying. I get that nothing stays the same. I just feel like I’m not ready to face those changes so soon. What if I messed up and fail in life?

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Next month will be my first time living on my own. The university start at the end of August, and I’ll move out since it would consume too much time and energy by going back and forth between home and uni. And believe me when I say the traffic in Jakarta is one of the worst. So for the past month we’ve been doing a lot of clean up and I found so many of my childhood stuff like dolls and books about random facts that I used to love (yes, those books were my childhood. I LOVED them.), and it brought so many memories. I don’t need them anymore, so I tried to give them away. But I can’t. I tried. I really do. It’s just, those stuffs hold so much memories, happy things and the warmth and familiarity of my home. I can’t imagine letting them go. I know it would make other children happy, or help shaping future scientist. It would be more useful elsewhere. But I just can’t let them go.

Now that I think about it, I’ve been having problem with letting go for as long as I could remember. I hate it when my parents replaced the old furnitures with the new ones. That bed is where I slept for 5 years! The sentiment and feelings I have for those things are hard to forget. If you ever watch the tv show Hoarders, I’m pretty sure I’d end up like that.

I think my problem of letting go is my main reason why I hate birthdays. My birthday means I’m growing up. And growing up means things are going to change. I have to let go of the comfort of home, friends that have been with me for so long, the familiar routine of school (which I hate) and accept the fact that it’s time to move on with my life.

I’m trying to be okay with it. The future is scary because we don’t know what it has in store for us, so for now, I’m just trying to be present, enjoy the moment, and go with the flow. I’ll try to enjoy university, living alone, and make a lot of new friends. I know this post seems immature and spoiled, but it’s what I feel and I know so many people feel the same way (even though there are also people that’s excited for it. You people, how do you do it??). I just hope everything would work out in the end, and I can be happy with everything I have❤

tasya

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15 thoughts on “On Growing Up and Letting Go

  1. Tasya Dita says:

    Thank you so much CW! I'm really scared when I published this post because most people I know seems to can't wait to grow up, and here I am trying to stop time. Leaving things behind are scary! I just wish we could stop time and stay in that moment forever. Thank you so much for your “rambling”, it really gives me more relief and acceptance with handling my future!<3

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  2. cw @ readthinkponder says:

    This is such a sincere and raw post; thank you for writing this post, Tasya. It really moved me. I really, really relate. Also, your post is far from immature! -Your honesty and self-awareness shows a lot of maturity, and I admire that.

    I'm a little older than you, and even now, I'm still scared of 'growing up'. I'm VERY close to my family, but I know that one day I'll have to move out and start my own life. As you say, the prospect is exciting but the implications scare me.

    One of my biggest fears in university was ending up in a desk job doing something I hated it – and now? I'm in a desk job doing something I don't particularly enjoy. Years ago, I thought being that would have been the end of the world. And for months after I started my job, I believed it. But, I learned that life is fluid and always changing, and that we have to take steps, even if it's scary. So I decided to do postgraduate/grad school next year. That's scary too – I could do all these years of study and still come out doing a desk job. But, I think I have to take the risks.

    GAH, sorry, I rambled there. But, all I want to say is, I understand what you are going through. And I am sending you lots of love and strength and support for the new chapter of your life. It'll be scary, but it'll be exciting too! All the best, Tasya – and keep us updated. ❤

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  3. Tasya Dita says:

    I'm so glad to hear your story! I always thought people in their 20s have their life all sorted out, which is why I'm really panicked that I have to figure mine out soon! Thank you so much!<3

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  4. Liselle Sambury says:

    Happy birthday! And hopefully the future goes well for you. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to leave home and grow up, but now in my mid-twenties, I'm having a lot of the feelings you have! The point of that is, you have a lot of time to decide what to do with your life. I think sometimes people are pressured at 18 to make life changing decisions, but the reality is that things change. You can still be switching careers and goals well into your twenties, and sometimes into your thirties. So even if it feels urgent now, there's more time than you think~!

    Liselle @ Lunch-Time Librarian

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  5. Tasya Dita says:

    Yes! It's scary how I have to take responsibility for each and every single one of my actions now. Like, I never been super close with my parents or anything, but I could always count on them and I they would lead the way. But deciding what to do with my whole life is another thing that I have to decide for myself because I'm the one that would live it and what if it doesn't go right?? I wish there's at least a manual on “How To Be An Adult”. Thank you so much Cloe!

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  6. Tasya Dita says:

    Thank you Alise! I always thought that everyone is really confident of growing up, most people seem can't wait to be on their own! But it's really relieving to know that there are also people that feel the same way. Yeah, I think that's just how life works. Nothing stays the same, we always changing and evolving and I guess we just have to deal with it… I just wish someone could tell me if I'm on the right path or not…

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  7. Tasya Dita says:

    I also had the thought of commuting from home to uni every day, but I realize how tired and unproductive I'd be if I have to wake up at 4 am everyday! (the traffic in Jakarta is a nightmare) I'm glad to find someone that knows exactly how I feel *hugs you tightly* I hope you'll have a great time to in uni!

    Also, thank you for the nominations! I'll try to post it as soon as possible 🙂

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  8. Tasya Dita says:

    THANK YOU JILLIAN. And not only for the birthday wish, but also for how encouraging this is. Now that I think about it, I've realized that growing up is indeed a privilege (one of my childhood friend died recently) and I'm learning to be more grateful, and more positive in dealing with the changes<3

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  9. Tasya Dita says:

    Ikr?? I get why people think we are dramatic but GROWING UP IS SCARY. I also hate change. I know things can't stay the same forever and yadayada but why does change always have to make us nervous so much? *sigh*

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  10. Cloe says:

    This is so true! The future is always really scary, especially being an “adult” now and which basically means your whole life is your responsibility and only yours. Leaving behind the comfort and safety of family is a really scary thought. I don't start university until a couple years later, but this thought already scares me. I wish you all the luck in university and I know you can manage! 🙂

    Cloe @ Mornings and Epilogues

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  11. Alise says:

    Happy Birthday! I remember feeling a similar way when I moved away from my childhood home and turned eighteen as well. I'm also an extremely sentimental person (I've kept every drawing my grandma and I made with each other, every movie ticket for as long as I can remember, etc) because memories are so important to me. It's hard to move on but it's inevitable and I guess that's life. I kind of try to think about all the experiences I still have ahead and how many things I want to do but yeah, life is bittersweet in general, I think.

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  12. Shouni says:

    Oh my gosh, you almost made me cry. I'm also starting uni this August and I have the exact same problem, it's very hard for me to let go. So hard that I would rather commute from home than go live by myself. But I guess we all have to grow up sometimes. I hope you have a lot of fun in uni and try all the things that you've been wanting to.

    P.S- I'm not sure if you've done this already but I nominated you for the Real Neat Blog Award. https://throughthebookportal.wordpress.com/2016/07/29/real-neat-blog-award/

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  13. Jillian Lopez says:

    First of all – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TASYA. You deserve all the celebration and food that you could get 🙂

    I just want to expound on the idea that it's okay to be afraid to grow up. I'm also afraid of growing up and having to go through things alone, but hey, that's life, and it's inevitable. Like you, I hated growing up because I didn't want to get any older and having to face harder challenges in life, like finding a job soon, or moving away, or having a family. It's frightening! And I get you.

    But I learned something that truly struck me — growing up is a PRIVILEGE that not all people acknowledge. Somewhere out there, there are children who don't make it to the age you are right now. Children die before they have a chance to grow up and experience life. I learned to embrace growing up because we should acknowledge this privilege and look at this “growing up” thing as a gift rather than a curse. 🙂 Good luck with everything (especially with moving), it must be frightening, but I know you can get on with it <3

    Jillian @ Jillian's Books

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  14. Cait @ Paper Fury says:

    Oh oh I totally get this! I RELATE SO MUCH OMG. I hate my birthday. It'sl ike the worst day of the year tbh.😂 Which probably is over-the-top dramatic, but I soooo get that about the it means you're growing up, and it means people will drift away and memories will be forgotten and things will change and GAH. THAT'S SCARY. I hate change. *huddles in the corner and tries to keep everything the same*

    Good luck with these upcoming huge changes. *sends you encouraging cake*

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